Making it work: long distance relationships
Long distances, the most fustrating yet empowering feature in many relationships.
Long distance can be the most ruling test for most relationships, arising the most raw feelings between two(or more) people in love, friendship and human connection. This test can ultimately be incredibly rewarding, a sign of strength and a symbol of determination. However, it is undoubtedly a fustrating period of longing, mental resillience, an almost sense of grief as you long for the companionship you’re missing yet know so well. We often speak of long distance relationships (LDR) in the romantic term yet it is as commonly a difficulty within friendships just as much, if not more.
When I think of LDRs, I see almost like a realm, a new reality if you will seperate to the one we all live in. It feels as though I am stuck between time, I am alone but not lonely a curious thing that is not only difficult to put into words right here but tricky enough for my mind to conceptualise itself. When you are in a long distance relationship you are not single but you are physically alone and so much of what makes a relationship and that partnership that you have built together is non-existent within this realm. There have often been times where I may express my emotions to friends about the grief of long distance, the longing for your partner and their presence and the response is so frequently “at least you’re not single”. A valid statement to make/feeling for them to convey however it is that sentance alone that can create a mountain of guilt for all those negative emotions you may be feeling. Yet it is all natural. It’s true I am incredibly grateful for my circumstances even though I can simultaneously feel deeply fustrated and upset - both can exist within this realm.
I have spoken to my own boyfriend about this and what he says is very true.
“If long distance was easy, everyone would be able to do it. But it’s not”
Wise words from a very honest man - There is a reason why so many people don’t manage to have LDRs or even attempt them in the first place because they are so dreadful (for lack of less blunt words). But it can be just through the pure relief of admitting this fact, the sigh and laugh that you are in some ways in such a bizzare position to choose a form of heartbreak as a symbol of love which can be quite reassuring. Guilt is a horrible emotion and can derive from the smallest thoughts (usually most posionous for those who are particuarly ‘overthinkers’) - you may feel guilt for complaining, for nagging, for crying. There’s always something worse as they say but that shouldn’t invalidate your feelings in the present.
I say this with a pinch of salt but there can be something said for the grief of LDRs this longing for something you cannot have, missing someone who is not there - for however long it may be you will be experiencing these emotions as though you have lost someone (or even a part of yourself). Until reality teases you, reminding you that they’ve always been there you just can’t see them.
You only have words. When you first get into any sort of LDR there is a wash of realisation and space for reflection that your relationship has been minimised down to words and how much you both depended on all the little details of simply existing together to impact your relationship. There is a beautiful yet tragic understanding of the simplicities you took for granted, the things that you treasure every time you have since been able to experience them - the strengths of LDRs shine through in glimmers. I myself was taken aback about the adaptations even to how a conversation would follow with the implication of distance. The inability to just go on a drive with my bestfriend, confined to facetime we lack the kareoke and people-watching yet our belly-aching 3 hour long phone calls continue to provide a portal into another life, a break away from reality. You never realise how much the presence of another human effects the way you bond and see one another until that presence is not there and you rely on creating it through a screen.
When we attain advice on long distance relationships, it’s always ‘stay in touch’, ‘send gifts’, ‘create new love languages’ which are all perfectly good pieces of advice. It is important to adapt to new environments whichever way fitting. However, I never see any advice simply telling you to just let it all out, understand and process your feelings, validate them, reassure each other. The strengths you will create within your relationships through raw emotions and mutual understandings is so incredibly fulfilling. It goes without saying that communication really is key. But don’t forget this also goes for your own communication and self-reflection - write it all down, sing and dance about it, express yourself and know that this is all completely natural. Because if it was easy it wouldn’t feel this hard.
I miss you goes a long way
I miss my best friend, I miss my boyfriend, I miss my family - and that’s okay <3